I’m currently on week seven of my Botox cycle. My injections are not being administered for another week due to a mistake (lets presume it’s a mistake and not my new neurologist being devious, because being frank I would not put it past him). I should be in bed asleep right now. Normally I would currently either be asleep or out with friends. Instead I am medicated to the extreme, I have lavender wheat bags heated up wrapped round my neck, and resting along my jaw and heat packs stuck along my back. To say I’m in agony would be an understatement.
I have resorted to taking Oramorph, a medication I try my best to avoid, however I would much rather give in and take it than have a seizure (click here to read what a seizure is like), and right now I’m concerned that with the amount of pain I am in that I will have one. My brain is not staying connected to my mouth tonight, functional paralysis is something I have suffered from for a few years now, but it has never ceased to terrify me. I understand that it is simply my brain being unable to cope with the amount of pain I am in, so it disconnects from the affected part but it is an unnatural experience that no matter how much I attempt to laugh off unnerves me.
Tonight my jaw is particularly bad, and is frequently being functionally paralysed leaving me unable to verbally communicate. It may seem like a small thing to some, but when you are trying to desperately to get any part of your mouth; whether that be your lips, tongue, just anything, to move and they won’t, apart from when they spasm, its horrendous. I cannot yell for help if I need it, I cannot cry in frustration or call someone to talk too to distract myself. I am stuck with my jaw spasming, distorting itself in ways that should not be possible, threatening to dislocate, and all I can do is cry silent tears, pray that I do not have a seizure and use this blog as an outlet for my pent-up frustration with this crushing condition.
I have a 9am lecture tomorrow morning. Which I am determined to attend, most likely in a wheelchair for my own safety, one of my close friends has agreed to take me there which has helped put my mind at rest. For now it is back to attempt sleep and hope that my little Dystonia Alien allows me some rest
We recently got back from a beautiful family holiday on the coast. The weather was fantastic, and there is something relaxing about waking up to the sound of the sea lapping against sand. Going on holiday with Dystonia requires a fair amount of preparation. Every medication I’m currently prescribed has to be brought with us, just in case of an emergency, so that we can try to ‘contain’ the amount of spasms and deviation my body endures. Even though I can walk, both my walking sticks and my wheelchair were also packed. In all honesty I thought that packing the wheelchair was overkill, but then I have never enjoyed being it, I used to quite literally bum shuffle around the house rather than use my chair.
As many of you will be aware I have recently had a change in neurologist. At my first consultation with him he declared that he would not be following my old injection routine and that we would be switching from 6 weekly to 10 weekly injections. My objections to this change fell on stubborn, deaf ears. Due to his determination I spent my holiday, and the weeks either side of it, unable to consume solid food. Smoothies and soup were my saving grace. Chewing led to rather painful jaw spasms. It made sense to switch to soft/liquid foods in order to trigger the spasms less.
I spent several hours on a couple of separate occasions functionally blind whilst we were away. My eyes had spasmed shut. This was a complete shock to the system, my condition has been incredibly well managed for so long. It is my arm and jaw that I am used to contending with; not my eyes. I don’t think I’ve felt as thankful for my wheelchair as I had in that moment. For once I did not begrudgingly sit in it, I clambered in thankful that it enabled me to still be out with my family whilst lessening the risk of injuring myself. My family were fantastic, describing the sights in front of them to me so I could conjure up in my mind’s eye my own version. My brother amused us all by whizzing around the aquarium with me clutching on to the wheelchair with fear and hilarity.
I would much rather have not had to fight my Dystonia whilst I was away, but in hindsight I’m glad I had no option but to do so. Not only did it create some great memories, but it gave me the strength to not back down when I visited my new neurologist this past Wednesday. I stood my ground and managed to get him to agree to seven weekly injections and back at my normal dosage. This has left me feeling optimistic and far more relaxed about my upcoming move to university.
Today marks three years since my life got a good shake up as my Dystonia alien made its presence known. So much has happened over the last few years that it’s hard to keep track, I’ve had a handful of operations, countless x-rays, far too many ambulance trips, and appointment after appointment with varying Consultants. I have also gone from being reliant on a wheelchair fulltime, to being able to walk with the aids of splints!
It has been an incredibly emotional journey, and I think that’s a naturel response to everything that’s happened. I’m finally at a place in my life where I feel like I am climbing the mountain that is Dystonia, instead of tumbling down it. I still have days like today, where it’s more like I am stubbornly camped out on it, refusing to fall. This morning I woke with my jaw in spasm, and my neck spasming on and off. So naturally I have spent a section of this afternoon lying on my living room floor, as the support that position gave my neck and back was the only way I felt comfortable. A year ago doing this would probably have left me feeling annoyed that I had resorted to doing it, today I was simply laughing, though maybe I am simply losing the plot.
Battling this condition has become second nature, nowadays I always have medication on me, and sometimes there’s even a TENs machine in my handbag. It surprises me how quickly Benedict has become accepted into everyday life without a second thought. This is a bittersweet realisation. It’s fantastic because it shows we are managing, that we are not drowning under the pressure the condition puts upon us. However a part of me feels sad that it has become so second nature, simply because who wants it to be part of their routine to remember to take one of their many pills or injections?
I’ve always kept score against Benedict. I think this year I finally got even.
Oromandibular Dystonia was one of my first symptoms that I suffered from before the Dystonia became generalised in 2012. Working on a trial and error basis with my Neurologist at the time we tested which Botox routine would best work for me, as it was clear 12 weeks was too long a stretch. Eventually we found the magic number, 6. Since then I have had my injections every six weeks and it has only been on the rare occasion that I have had to deal with my jaw spasming.
Jaw spasms. Two little words, yet they strike so much fear in me. The small spasms at best are uncomfortable, the extreme ones dislocate my jaw and cause seizures. My little alien loves causing spasms that leave me crying, clutching at my face as it contorts. In all honesty I couldn’t tell you why I grab my face. It’s an automatic response, as if a small part of me believes that if I clutch hard enough or push in the right direction, the pain might all go away. A child’s belief really, but one I find myself immersed in every time.
You would think that after almost three years of Benedict pulling my body this way and that, that I would no longer feel embarrassed by the teething tummy I resort to using to help prevent my upper teeth digging into my gums during a spasm, that I would no longer feel humiliated by the fact that I have no control over the majority of my body. I deal with the embarrassment better than I used to. I now force myself to carry on with my life and go out when I’m spasming, whereas previously I’d have shut myself away.
I spent Sunday with my boyfriend, it was the first time he had seen my facial spasms. He was great, and helped me medicate myself. At first I dealt with it fine, but eventually as the day wore on and I got tired, the spasms got worse until I resorted to using the teething dummy. I’ve only met his family a few times, so my embarrassment levels sky rocketed at this point. It’s not how I want them to see me, though I know that for them to be aware of my condition is a positive. What 22year old wants her boyfriend’s mum to see her with a dummy?! These are all qualms I need to get over, and with time I shall do.
I have sent my old neurologist an email informing him of my rather disappointing appointment with my new neuro. I am hoping that he will be able to speak to my current neurologist, so that he will agree to do six weekly injections. It may be a long shot, but it’s getting hard to hold my head up as well now. My next round of injections is not until the 12 August, so until then my dummy and TENS machine are my best bet.
For just over two years now I have had regular Botox injections to help control my Dystonia. It started off being every twelve weeks but we soon established that I need it more often than that. By the five to six-week post injection mark the spasms would be back. If I was lucky they would be minor spasms, if I was unlucky I would experience jaw tremors that were slowly loosening my teeth and extreme spasms that would dislocate my jaw. Thankfully my wonderful neurologist was willing to bend the rules a bit and has since been administering the injections every six weeks, which has worked well.
However as I am sat here typing this I am debating taking another Tramadol to help me deal with the pain of my jaw spasm. Normally when I reach this point I have a week at the most to go before my next injection is due. The knowledge that the pain will soon be but a distant memory is comforting. Today things are different. Its been only three weeks since my last round of my injections, and because I wanted to see if I would be able to last longer in-between injections my neurologist agreed on doing them at week 7. That’s another 4 weeks. I have spent the day wondering what’s changed. I know that becoming resistant to the Botox is a risk due to how often I have it, however my neurologist assured me that as I cope on a lower dosage that this risk was minimal. Now I know there is always going to be somebody who has a side effect no matter how small the risk, but if this was the case I would expect my neck or my blinking to be starting to spasm too, as I also have these areas injected as well.
I briefly entertained the idea that perhaps he hit the wrong muscle this time after all no Doctor, no matter how good is perfect. I struggle to believe this though. If I cast my mind back over the last few months I am aware that I have spasmed earlier than usual on several occasions, admittedly however never this early. A glance at my symptom diary confirms this. A part of me wonders if perhaps I just need the dose upping in my jaw. I have much higher doses to my neck, but still with enough room to allow more to be injected to the jaw muscles.
I have taken a Procyclidine tablet in the hope that this will take the edge of the spasm. Between Procyclidine, Volterol, Tramadol and if needs be Diazepam I am hoping to be able to control the spasms and pain levels. The idea of spending the next four weeks like this puts fear in me. I cope better with the majority of the rest of my symptoms, Jaw spasms I struggle with. Everything from a sip of water or eating soup, to talking can aggravate it when its bad. Diazepam is always my last resort. Even on a small dose I struggle to stay awake.
When discussing my worries with my mother earlier she pointed out that perhaps this is just a blip. Blips have occurred before, though normally this is because I have caught a cold or some other bug causing my body to go into meltdown mode. Right now I would welcome a bug, anything to explain the spasm and take away the anxiety of another four weeks of pain.
I am reluctant to give in to the pain and medicate myself anymore right now, as I know this could be just the tip of the iceberg and if it is I want to feel like the medicine has made a definitive difference. If I give in early and take them every four to six hours then when I reach the bad stage it won’t feel like they are making a lot of difference. In the meantime my medicine of choice shall be curling up and watching Jack Whitehall and Russell Howard. Nothing like some comedy to lift the spirits!
Frustration. Worry. Pain. Hope. Joy. A selection of the emotions that over the last few weeks I have experienced. I have improved leaps and bounds since I started new treatment for Chronic Neurological Lyme Disease several weeks ago, there is a long way to go but the improvement are more than I could dared to have hoped for. Yet I feel like I am clinging to these improvements, that they might slip away at the slightest wrong move.
I must admit that on some level I am fuming that it has taken 16 years to get diagnosed. I have spent the majority of my life ill, passed from one specialist to the next, having test after test. The result of their continued ignorance is that I shall now have to live my life with Dystonia. I was not born with it, as far as we know it is not genetic, if I had simply been given antibiotics when I was six or in the couple of years after that I would not have to live with (a currently incurable) movement disorder.
I would not have to cope with the agony of my jaw dislocating due to spasms, or my neck twisting hideously. My ligaments throughout my whole body would not have been so stretched due to spasms that it shocks physiotherapists at the extent of the damage. I would not have developed pain triggered Non Epileptic Seizures if not for Chronic Neurological Lyme disease and Dystonia. I would not have spent 10 hours unconscious seizing in A&E on New Year’s Day 2013. I would not have collapsed and seized in the middle of roads, on the stairs, in shops etc. I would not have put my family, my friends, and myself through hell and back.
Although I have always been ill in one form or another it was not until 2012 that it became disabling, right at the end of my first year of Midwifery training. As many of you know, Midwifery is my dream job, and I hope to one day be able to go back to my training. More than Midwifery I dream of life without illness (I except I have to live with Dystonia). A life where my family don’t have to plan their activities around my health. A future where I can live life to the full without worrying about the impact it will have on my health! Without full treatment for Chronic Neurological Lyme Disease I won’t get better. I will continue to deteriorate rapidly. Lyme Disease has claimed the lives of too many people already I don’t plan on being its next victim. I need to raise £10,000 to fund vital treatment if you are able to please help or share this page/link! https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/erfg6/ab/04081d
Oromandibular Dystonia affects the mouth area, this includes the tongue, jaw and lips. It is part of my Generalised Dystonia and I find it affects both my jaw and my tongue. I have often found myself in situations where I have found myself sounding like I am drunk because I am unable to pronounce my words due to the spasm going on in my tongue.
Oromandibular Dystonia often affects the sufferers ability to chew and speak. When my spasms are bad I find that I can only consume liquified foods and yoghurts, as the spasms that are taking place leave me unable to chew. Some people may just have Oromandibular Dystonia or they may have it with Blepharospasm (Eye Dystonia), or as part of Generalised Dystonia like myself. If it is a focal Dystonia (just on its own) then it normal appears between the ages of 40 and 70.
Oromandibular Dystonia was one of my first symptoms. I was at university, and to be honest I didn’t really think too much of it at first, but then when the spasms became extreme and caused my jaw to dislocate I began to realise just how much pain they could inflict. As there is no cure for Dystonia a combination of Botox injections and medications are used to manage it. I find Botox injections to be particularly effective at managing it. Botox seems to only work for around 5/6 weeks for me, luckily I have a very lovely neurologist who is willing to administer the injections every 6 weeks. This works fantastically well for me, as without this my jaw spasms are extreme. Some people find pressure points or chewing gum helpful in managing their symptoms.
I would highly recommend for anyone wanting to know more on the condition checking either out The Dystonia Society website http://www.dystonia.org.uk/index.php/about-dystonia/types-of-dystonia/mouth-or-tongue-dystonia or The Dystonia Research Foundation http://dystonia-foundation.org/what-is-dystonia/forms-of-dystonia/focal-dystonias/more-on-oromandibular-dystonia .
Since last Friday my Oromandibular (jaw) Dystonia and tremor has been rather bad. These spasms leave my jaw extremely distorted and the pain is constant. Unfortunately my Botox is a week later than usual, my appointment is not until the 18th of this month. Even though I know it is just under two weeks to go now, I am finding it hard to function due to pain.
However there is always a positive and I refuse to let this be a purely negative blog post. Despite the spasms that were severely affecting my jaw and neck last Friday I still managed to get into college. I cut down my workload as I knew it would not realistically get done without exhausting my body, but I managed to get in, which surprised me as I did not expect to in the state I was in.
It never ceases to amaze me just how exhausting pain is. Today my jaw has insisted on tremoring a lot. I use a teething dummy to protect my teeth and tongue, at the end of my last tremor however I was not quick enough at removing the teething dummy from my mouth, with the way my jaw then spasmed it got slightly stuck…I cannot even begin to describe how much this amused me, it took a whole hour before I was able to pry the dummy out from between my teeth. It really was hilarious.
It is moments like these that are vital. Dystonia is hideous. The pain that I am going through on a daily basis is enough that all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep until I can get my Botox injections. But sleeping won’t raise awareness of the condition, hiding away won’t beat the condition. Moments of pure hilarity are part of what makes Dystonia bearable and I am so thankful for these moments!
A few days ago my jaw tremor returned, it is an on/off tremor at the moment and the more I use my jaw the more it tremors. I am using a baby teething dummy to protect my teeth and tongue, however the pain it triggers when the tremor causes my bottom teeth to bang against the tooth it has loosened on my upper row of teeth or my tongue often triggers off a seizure.
As you can see from the video, it is not to extreme yet, so the Botox must still have some sort of hold over it, but not much. I cannot wait for Tuesday when I see my neurologist for more injections.
Today my jaw tremor has returned, I’m not too pleased about this as it is earlier than I expected it to be, however I am having my Botox injections next Tuesday so it’s only one week of putting up with it. I do look rather silly as I have a baby teething dummy in my mouth to protect my teeth so that the tremor does not loosen any more of them.
I have had weekly reflexology sessions for a few months now and I cannot get over just how much of a positive effect it has on my body. My feet like to spasm in the evening and the pain in my knee and hip joints get bad, this normally means I will be lucky to get more than four hours sleep. However with reflexology I have found that I get between three and four fantastic nights of sleep, which makes a big positive impact on my energy levels during the day which enables me to handle my spasms better.
I tend to have my reflexology sessions on a monday afternoon. The night before the session my sleep is almost non-existent, I’ll spend the night strapped up to my TENS Machine, doing my meditation breathing exercises etc in an attempt to get to sleep. I have even started using rescue remedy night drops which have helped a bit. To go from almost no sleep to the next night sleeping dead to the world is the most amazing experience. If I could afford to have reflexology several times a week I would not think twice about doing so.
I rely on medication to try to suppress and manage my Dystonia. Whilst these medications are essential I would much rather not take them as it’s not good for your kidneys and your liver to be constantly bombarded with them. Therefore having an alternative to help me sleep and deal with my symptoms is such a giant relief as I was very reluctant to go back on to my sleeping medications. When you have Dystonia you are told to try to avoid stress as it can exacerbate your symptoms, now obviously it’s near impossible to lead a stress free life as Dystonia itself is rather stressful. Reflexology is so far my biggest stress reliever, I honestly do not know how I would cope without it.
I saw this quote earlier and fell in love with it, I find it rings very true.