Fighting Dystonia, Chronic Lyme Disease & EDS Type 3… any questions?

Posts tagged ‘determination’

Harsh Reality

September 2011 I started at Anglia Ruskin University in Chelmsford on a Midwifery degree. It was the most amazing experience of my life. July 24th 2012 I developed Oromandibular Dystonia and was put on intermission for a year. Today I was withdrawn from university on debilitating health grounds. You have no idea how much I wish to pull my little Dystonia alien out and scream at him.

My university was extremely kind about it all and I hope that in a few years time if I am well enough that I can reapply to do my Midwifery degree. In the meantime I plan on doing a Level 3 in Anatomy and physiology, and once I’ve finished that I will see where I  go from there. I have known for a few weeks that this conversation with my uni would have to happen, and have dreaded it. I had hoped that as I knew it would happen that it would not be too bad however the reality is that I am extremely upset and want to scream at the doctors until they invent a cure.

I struggle to understand how it is ok for Dystonia to upturn, stomp all over and turn inside out our lives. I struggle to comprehend why sufferers then have to fight for treatment and care. I struggle to accept the reality I’m living. I won’t ever accept it, because none of this is ok. I know one day a cure will be found and I hope it shall be in this lifetime so that I can reapply for uni.

On a brighter note my body is not too bad today which is nice and a DVD called The Host which I have excitedly been  waiting for has arrived – It is a fantastic book and an amazing film. I plan on doing nothing for the rest of the day other the watch The Host again (even though I only finished watching it ten mins ago), and then I am going to indulge myself in a bit of 50 shades freed as it’s an easy read.

Tomorrow will seem brighter, and I will get there eventually, one way or another.

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The Battle against my Foot, the Doctors and my Brain.

When you wake up in the morning, what do you? Do you mentally wrestle with yourself to throw back your warm duvet cover, swing your legs out into the unwelcoming cold, stand up and start your day? This is a simple task. One you do every day without thinking about it.

For me, simple is not an applicable word for this every day task. Most days my mother wakes me up to give me my first cocktail of medications for the day. I stay in bed, at the moment for breakfast, as venturing outside of the safety of my mattress is a dangerous move to make. When I eventually have to get out of bed, it involves me calling for my mum to help. Once I have managed to get to the edge of the bed, my mum takes one arm and my step-dad or sibling will take the other.  They support me/attempt to prevent me from falling as I try to walk.

At the moment when my right foot is forced to try and work normally, it fights back hard. Often winning. My toes curl them-selves under, my foot flips over so that the top of it scraps painfully along the floor. And then to put the icing on the cake, it will twist in unnatural painful positions, as it protests violently against my will.

For me, at the present time, getting up and moving is an exhausting task. One that fills me with dread every time I need the loo, or have to move to a different room. Each time I attempt to move around, I try to clear my mind from panic. I tell myself over and over again, that this time  it might just be different, I might manage to walk a few steps, like I was doing before Christmas. I fill my head with positive thoughts. However when my foot then starts to contort, it is physically and emotionally draining.

I wish the doctors could see me like this. See me at home, when I am out of my wheelchair. Where a small glitch in my brain makes me vulnerable in my own environment. Where I struggle to walk one step, where my family catches me when I collapse, where my family protect me from my surroundings when the pain causes me to have a Seizure. Where they could see that I need help now and not in a years time!

However I must remain positive, I must focus on the fact that before Christmas, I was slowly making progress, and learning to walk again. The fact I started to walk, reassure’s me that I will again. Until then I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I must be pro-active. So I shall blog , I shall write letters, and I shall make the doctors and the politicians listen. I shall make them understand just how life changing and debilitating Dystonia is and I shall make them take action! I shall not remain silent!

My big 4.

This morning I was feeling pretty down. All I could think was why me? After everything I have already gone through in my life, how was this fair? After feeling depressed for a few hours I started to think about the way I was looking at my life. At that moment in time I was looking at it all wrong. I was allowing my Dystonia to get on top of me, and I was looking at life from the wrong the point of view.

Instead of filling my head with negative thoughts, I started to focus on the positives. These are my 4 big positives.

1) If I didn’t have Dystonia then I wouldn’t have raised over £700 for the Dystonia society, a charity that provides fantastic support for sufferers.

2) Through this, I have brought awareness of Dystonia, to not only members of the public but also to members of the medical society who had not heard of Dystonia or seen a Dystonia patient before.

3) If I did not have dystonia, then I would not have had created this blog. This blog has not only raised awareness but has also put me in contact with some amazing people!

4) Dystonia has given me strength! The strength to go out in public in my wheelchair and not care what people think. The strength to stand up to the medical society. The strength to speak out and raise awareness! The strength to carry on fighting even when things are looking bleak. The strength and the determination to show the world what I can do. The strength to keep on believing that one day there will be a cure.

 

Determination!

So I know Dystonia is thought of by the medical society as incurable but I have to disagree. Personally I think that the medical society know so little about Dystonia, that to say it is incurable is madness. Just because they have not found a magic treatment plan or pill that works for everyone does not mean it cannot be cured. Why accept such such a depressing prognosis? Why not stand up and say NO! I am going to beat this thing and prove you all wrong!!

Life has thrown a hell of a lot at me and so far I have beaten every single thing. I plan on beating Dystonia too. In 2009, I suffered from Complex Regional Pain Syndrome and I was hospitalised for six long months, yet I didn’t let it win! It took about 9 months but I beat it! I had to teach myself to walk again, I had to retain my brain to understand that things touching my leg weren’t actually harming me. It was agonising but I beat it!

If I can beat CRPS then I can beat Dystonia. The doctors all admit that CRPS and Dystonia are very similar, and  treatment for them both is again very similar. So in my eyes if I can beat one, then I can beat both! Before all of this happened in July, I was so happy, I was training to be a midwife and loving it! I refuse to let Dystonia stop me!

So little Dystonia alien, if you can hear me, I would be very afraid! You have had your fun and now it is time for you to leave! I have had enough of you controlling my body! I am going to take back my body and I am going to go back to my studies!

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